Friday Laughs

While getting rid of some old books a few weeks ago, I stumbled upon an old joke book. Normally, the joke books I find are not that funny. However, this one wasn’t so bad. So, to share a few laughs:

A few words from the Dictionary of Relationships:

easy  — adj. A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

friend — noun. A person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

indifference — noun. A woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to mean “playing hard to get.”

interesting — adj. A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

love at first sight — noun. What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy, people meet.

 

 

Dirty Word Wednesday

From The Big Black Book of Very Dirty Words by Alexis Munier:

frighten the chipmunks–verb, to have outdoor sex

I never heard that one before and it made me giggle. Now, every time I hear someone talking about doing it outside, I’m going to think of Alvin and the Chipmunks. Thank you, Ms. Munier.

Chivalrous Men

I’ve been single on Valentine’s Day for most of my adult life, so I’ve grown rather used to it. I don’t do the whole “I hate Valentine’s Day” thing just because I don’t have a Valentine to wear red lacy lingerie for. I still wear red, buy treats for friends, and indulge in whatever chocolate comes my way–significant other or no significant other.

This past Valentine’s Day, however, turned out to be rather interesting.

I’ve been texting with an ex-boyfriend lately. My “first love,” to be exact. After he broke my heart 9 years ago, we didn’t exactly keep in touch. But recently, we started playing Words with Friends via Facebook…which led to text messages…which led to one awkward phone call….and no, we’re not getting back together. A lot can change in 9 years, including my taste in men. Anyway, that’s not the point.

On Valentine’s Day, he made the comment that he and his friend think Valentine’s Day is “overdone,” that people shouldn’t have to prove their love to their significant others just because it’s Valentine’s Day. Basically, he and his friend were complaining that they had to buy flowers and chocolates and be romantic.

A little irritated that these men were complaining about having to–heaven forbid!–put forth a tiny bit of effort on Valentine’s Day, I queried another male friend of mine. Since I consider this male friend to be the smartest man I know, I figured he’d differ in his opinion of Valentine’s Day. But no. He, too, is “not of fan of Valentine and his/her little day.” He felt that, since he buys flowers and does other romantic things throughout the year, he shouldn’t be told by society that he has to be romantic on this specific day. (I was quick to point out that many men don’t do romance during the rest of the year so their poor wives and girlfriends have nothing but Valentine’s Day to look forward to.)

So, by the middle of the day, I was rather disheartened by these men. Is chivalry really so dead that men are complaining about buying chocolate and roses on Valentine’s Day?! Why bother finding someone to love when that person is going to complain about buying you roses every February 14th? I might as well throw in the towel and plant my own rose bush.

But as I played with the diamond heart necklace another ex-boyfriend gave me for Valentine’s Day years ago and which I wear every Valentine’s Day, I realized that chivalry isn’t dead–it’s just hard to find.

Chase–an ex-boyfriend that was three years younger than me yet treated me better than any other boyfriend. My dad–who always bought roses and chocolate for my mom and me on Valentine’s Day… including this year. David–my friend Jess’s husband, who actually made her a card this Valentine’s Day. Brandon–my friend Jamie’s boyfriend, who swept Jamie off her feet last week….. All these men put forth effort on Valentine’s Day and never once complained about it. And because of them, I’ll keep looking for love and will hopefully have my own Valentine one of these years.

Monogamish

I read an article in Women’s Health magazine the other day about being in a “monogamish” marriage. Basically, it’s an open marriage–both partners are allowed to be physical with other people. And, apparently, it’s becoming a trend. A trend that I’m calling plain bullsh*t.

Being a hopeless romantic that still dreams of finding my soul mate one day, the article was discouraging, to say the least. It’s hard enough just trying to find love in today’s society, now we have to worry that our “one and only” may want to redefine just what “one and only” means? What’s the point of even getting married if you want to sleep around? And, seriously, how many women would be OK if their husbands were out trying to get laid every weekend? And how many men would be happy with their wives sleeping around? Very few, I imagine, very few.

I’ve asked a couple of women about whether they would ever be open to the idea of a monogamish marriage and the answers were along the lines of “No,” “No way,” and “Hell no!” But I’m interested in hearing others’ thoughts on the matter. Is it possible to have a good marriage if both partners are allowed to date and/or sleep with other people?

All Men Are Dogs

It’s a phrase usually mumbled over glasses of wine, slices of chocolate cake, and tissues soaked with tears: “All men are dogs.” Every woman I’ve ever known has said it at one point in her life or another, usually after she’s caught her man cheating and/or he’s asked her do something that would make even a porn star blush.

But what happens when a man says it?

A friend of my aunt’s—a respected police chief—once told her that “All men are dogs. Some are just better behaved than others.” She repeated this to me over dinner one night and it stuck with me for two reasons: (1) It was a man who said it, and (2) his particular take on it got me thinking.

Around the same time, I was learning about the sordid past of a male friend. I always knew he was a little bit of a “bad boy,” but I still considered him a “good guy.” That is, until he confessed to having eight affairs during the course of his 22-year marriage. “I’m a dog,” he admitted. Yes, yes, you are.

And then, just recently, I got into a similar conversation with a family friend. Having only ever known him as the family man he is now, I never knew about his past. He told me about how, after his first marriage, he was a “womanizer,” dating multiple women at the same time.  I told him that he was “a dog.” He laughed, “Yep, I was.”

All this got me to thinking—and to looking at all the other men in my life. The vast majority of them—even the really “good” guys—have all been dogs at one point or another. Some went through “party years” as young guys in their twenties. Some got married too young and ended up cheating later, never having gotten the time to “sow their wild oats.” Some have always been dogs, unable to keep it in their pants. So is what the police chief said true? Are all men really dogs? Are some just better behaved and/or just leashed by the women in their lives?

This thought is both disheartening and a relief. On the one hand, we single women are always striving to find a “good guy,” one who isn’t a “dog.” When we think we’ve landed a good one, we’re inevitably heartbroken when he displays any sign of “dog-ness.” To think that every man we’ll ever date is, on some level, a dog makes me want to throw in the towel altogether.

However, one could look at it from a different angle. If we look at all the potential men out there and already assume that they’re dogs, it means we’ll be less surprised when our “behaved dog” checks out the waitress and/or flirts with our best friend. It would be a relief to know that we can lower our expectations a little bit, to know that we won’t be so surprised when our “Mr. Perfect” makes some dog-like comment.

So, at the moment, I’m torn. Is the police chief right? Are all men dogs and we single women burdened with the task of trying to find the best behaved puppy in the pound? Or is “all men are dogs” just an excuse some men use to justify their dog behavior?