Valentine’s Day has, at times, been referred to as Singles’ Awareness Day because of its tendency to make single people feel even more single. After all, we single people don’t receive dozens of red roses, boxes of chocolates, fancy dinners or teddy bears holding hearts that read “I Wuv You.” No, for us single people, Valentine’s Day is like having a birthday party that no one came to–it’s just you, surrounded by candy, and crying into a piece of cake.
However, one can only handle but so many Valentine’s Days alone. And so, I’ve developed some Valentine’s Day coping mechanisms:
1. Work late. Spending the evening hours at your humdrum job means you won’t be subjected to all the romance movies on TV or couples at restaurants (unless, of course, you work at restaurant…in which case, I highly suggest coming down with the flu on Valentine’s Day). Seeing love–whether it’s on the screen or in the booth next to you–inevitably leads to the devouring of a pint of Haagen Daz chased by a bottle of cheap wine and finished with an intoxicated attempt to sign up on eHarmony as your mascara runs down your cheeks. So do yourself a favor and work overtime.
2. Go someplace void of happy couples. Like the library. Sure, we have the occasional teenage prostitute servicing the homeless man in the foreign language section, but libraries are mostly populated with anti-social people, smelly people, people mumbling to themselves, and teenagers hogging the computers just so they can update their Facebook statuses every 15 minutes: “omg the liberrian is like totally givin me the evil eye wtf.”
3. Eat. And I don’t mean the emotional kind of eating that leads to the inhalation of entire bags of Lays Sour Cream & Onion potato chips or rolls of Pillsbury cookie dough. Cook your favorite meal or try a new recipe. Or if you’re feeling really ambitious, try baking one of those fancy cakes you see on the Food Network. And whatever you do, do NOT weigh yourself the following morning. Nothing’s worse than feeling single except feeling fat and single.
4. Watch a movie. But not The Notebook. Watch movies that make you glad you’re single (Fear is a good choice since it has the added bonus of starring Mark Wahlberg). Or movies that make you glad you’re a strong woman, like Iron Jawed Angels. Or something that will have you peeing your pants (Spring Breakdown is a HI.LAR.I.OUS chick flick no matter what the reviewers say).
5. Read. Of course a librarian is going to suggest reading. But nothing Nicholas Sparks. Or any other unrealistic and sappy love story. Pick up a thriller or mystery. Or steamy erotica. Maybe try a nonfiction book on a topic you’ve always wondered about. Here’s a novel idea–why not visit the library and ASK A LIBRARIAN for a recommendation?! And no, I don’t mean go to Barnes & Noble and asking a salesperson. We librarians are actually trained to give book recommendations. A few of my personal love-related recommendations are: Pornology by Ayn Carillo-Galley, The Art of Seduction by Robert Greene, and 51/50: The Magical Adventures of a Single Life by Kristen McGuiness (which I’m reading and loving right now).
6. Pamper yourself. Take a nice bath. Treat yourself to a deep conditioning treatment. Give yourself a mani/pedi. Or, if your “spa days” are more like mine, wax the weird mustache that you never notice until AFTER you’ve left the house; pluck those few dark chin hairs that seem to sprout overnight; take a cheese grater to the calluses on your feet; dye your premature gray hairs; apply Rogaine to your thinning scalp; and then fill up the bath just so can obsess about how much water is displaced when your fat ass gets in the tub.
7. Throw a party. For single people only. Maybe a single ladies party. But do NOT spend the entire time lamenting the single life. Embrace it. Talk about all the reasons it’s great to be single, like: getting the bed all to yourself; having the ability to walk around naked without someone assuming it means sexy time; not having to fight for your right to watch The Bachelor; no nagging worry that you married the wrong one; no worrying about whether or not your partner is really working late; no awkward “where is this going?” conversations; not having to shave your legs (and other areas) constantly; no in-laws; not having to clean up after someone else; and just the general ability to do whatever you want, whenever you want, without worrying about what your partner is doing. Singledom is freedom, baby.
8. Tap your inner fortune-teller. Unhappy about spending Valentine’s Day alone? Consult the stars. Whip out the tarot cards. Check your horoscope. Maybe love is right around the corner. And if not, then maybe you’ll discover some winning lottery numbers and can then buy a boyfriend. From Brazil. Who doesn’t speak English.
9. Go artsy/craftsy. One of my favorite (and odd) hobbies is cutting up magazines. I’ll cut out words, phrases, and images that appeal to me and then create collages and other mixed media artworks. Hours fly by when I’m doing this. I get in the “creative zone.” So why not try it or something else artsy? Scrapbooking is popular, as is knitting (although I still see it as the pastime of crazy, old cat ladies). If you’re not the creative type, do a paint-by-numbers or steal a coloring book from an unsuspecting kid.
10. Sleep. If you’ve eaten your weight in cookies, consulted your horoscope, watched Chicago ten times, knitted a hat for your cat, read Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and you’re still not happy about flying solo on Valentines day, then take a sleeping pill and call it a night. By the time you wake up, the horrible holiday will be over and all Valentine’s Day candy will be 50% off. Can we say “chocoholic jackpot”?!
