All Men Are Dogs

It’s a phrase usually mumbled over glasses of wine, slices of chocolate cake, and tissues soaked with tears: “All men are dogs.” Every woman I’ve ever known has said it at one point in her life or another, usually after she’s caught her man cheating and/or he’s asked her do something that would make even a porn star blush.

But what happens when a man says it?

A friend of my aunt’s—a respected police chief—once told her that “All men are dogs. Some are just better behaved than others.” She repeated this to me over dinner one night and it stuck with me for two reasons: (1) It was a man who said it, and (2) his particular take on it got me thinking.

Around the same time, I was learning about the sordid past of a male friend. I always knew he was a little bit of a “bad boy,” but I still considered him a “good guy.” That is, until he confessed to having eight affairs during the course of his 22-year marriage. “I’m a dog,” he admitted. Yes, yes, you are.

And then, just recently, I got into a similar conversation with a family friend. Having only ever known him as the family man he is now, I never knew about his past. He told me about how, after his first marriage, he was a “womanizer,” dating multiple women at the same time.  I told him that he was “a dog.” He laughed, “Yep, I was.”

All this got me to thinking—and to looking at all the other men in my life. The vast majority of them—even the really “good” guys—have all been dogs at one point or another. Some went through “party years” as young guys in their twenties. Some got married too young and ended up cheating later, never having gotten the time to “sow their wild oats.” Some have always been dogs, unable to keep it in their pants. So is what the police chief said true? Are all men really dogs? Are some just better behaved and/or just leashed by the women in their lives?

This thought is both disheartening and a relief. On the one hand, we single women are always striving to find a “good guy,” one who isn’t a “dog.” When we think we’ve landed a good one, we’re inevitably heartbroken when he displays any sign of “dog-ness.” To think that every man we’ll ever date is, on some level, a dog makes me want to throw in the towel altogether.

However, one could look at it from a different angle. If we look at all the potential men out there and already assume that they’re dogs, it means we’ll be less surprised when our “behaved dog” checks out the waitress and/or flirts with our best friend. It would be a relief to know that we can lower our expectations a little bit, to know that we won’t be so surprised when our “Mr. Perfect” makes some dog-like comment.

So, at the moment, I’m torn. Is the police chief right? Are all men dogs and we single women burdened with the task of trying to find the best behaved puppy in the pound? Or is “all men are dogs” just an excuse some men use to justify their dog behavior?

I’m Baaaaaaaack!

Apparently, all it takes is a nice compliment and I’ll do pretty much anything…which makes me a little slutty, I guess.

A few weeks ago, a friend mentioned that she missed my blog posts. That’s really all I needed to hear before I started thinking about all the topics I could blog about. So, I’ve decided to give it a go again. Stay tuned for future posts on: the allure of married men (why is it so fun to flirt with them?), why all men are dogs (a man said it, not me!), and an experiment that a friend and I are going to try (will subliminal messaging improve my dating life?).

See you soon!

Two Truths and a Lie

1. Your Love Librarian won’t be a librarian for much longer.
2. I finally met “the One” and he is perfect.
3. I lost 20 lbs in 30 days.

Ok, so make that one truth, one lie, and one hopefully-will-be-a-truth-in-30-days.

1. Your Love Librarian won’t be a librarian for much longer. TRUE. Since my last update over three months ago, I applied to grad school…again. I’m just waiting to hear whether or not I’ve been accepted. If I got in, then this librarian won’t be pushing books for much longer. If I didn’t get in, then this librarian will be pushing books for as long as it takes to find another job. Turns out that being a librarian is NOT my calling.
2. I finally met “the One” and he is perfect. FALSE. Are you kidding? If I’d met even the runner-up to “the One,” I’d be blogging about him. As it is, the only men I can get so much as smile from are infants and creepy old dudes.
3. I lost 20 lbs in 30 days. FALSE…for now. I’ve recently picked up a new book, The 4-Hour Body by Timothy Ferriss. He swears that you can lose up to 20 lbs in 30 days if you follow his “Slow Carb” diet to the letter. If I can lose 20 lbs in 45 days, I’ll give him my first-born. I have a 10-year high school reunion coming up in a couple of weeks. And then a trip to California in July. And a good friend’s wedding in September. If I’m going to be a single lady at these three events, then dammit I will be a hot single lady.

And so, dear Readers, that is a recap of my life at the present moment. So exciting, right? I will start posting updates regularly (at least, I’ll try to), especially with this new diet. And no, I promise not to turn this into a weight loss blog because, well, that’s just boring and annoying. However, this diet has already made me eat beans for breakfast (that was a first!), endure an ice-cold shower, and take pictures of myself in nothing but my underwear. And it’s just day one. How can this diet NOT be entertaining?

Another Boy Below the Bracket

It had been awhile since any of my regular library hotties had wandered through the stacks. So I had basically given up hope on finding an attractive man in the library when in walked Charles.

Taller than me. Dark hair. Dark eyes. And a style and attitude that were neither high maintainance nor low. Perfectly in between.

Af first I wasn’t going to pay him any real attention. I didn’t strategically position myself in his line of sight or offer him my librarian services. But then I just happened to be at the circulation desk when he was checking out, so I casually inventoried the books stacked before him. And I fell in love.

Charles was checking out three books: a cookbook, a book of war poems, and The 9/11 Commission Report.

Now, attractiveness is always the first thing anyone notices when they meet a person. But, let’s face it, there are A LOT of beautiful idiots out there. The world is overrun with gorgeous bimbos, ripped morons, and drop dead sexy dumbasses. So when I find someone who is not only attractive but also smart, sensitive, and cooks, all my single girl antennae tune in.

So, as a coworker checked out the books, I violated his privacy by casually glancing at the library card application on the counter in front of him. His name, as you know, was Charles (not the sexiest name in the world, but it’s better than Bob). And his age was 24.

Now, I’ve already mentioned that my coworkers nicknamed me “Puma” for my tendency to be attracted to younger men. This is not something I do intentionally. It’s not like I want a younger guy. It just seems that the men I find attractive in the library tend to be in the age bracket below mine.

And I can’t help but wonder (yet again) why this is. Am I in denial about my age? Am I destined to become one of those desperate cougars who shops in the juniors department and stalks young men? Or is it just demographics? Do men in the 25 to 35 age bracket not enjoy reading? Did the brains and beauty combo skip the males in my generation?

Whatever the reason, I think there is a chance I may end up being some young thing’s sugar mamma one day (of course, that’s hard to do on a librarian’s salary). But please, dear friends, if I’m 60 and still wearing mini-skirts and four-inch heels, stage an intervention. Pronto.

Hey Baby, What’s Your Sign?

Men have tried a number of pickup lines on me, but no one has ever used that particular one. But, I admit, I would like them to. And I wouldn’t mind using it on some men, as well. Instead, I have to come up with creative ways to scope out their birthdays (such as looking up their library card numbers….just one of the perks of being a librarian).

Yes, yes, I’m an astrology nerd. Ok, sort of. A couple of astrology books dot my bookshelves, but I don’t religiously read my horoscope. I do, however, know the zodiac signs of all the important people in my life–family, friends, enemies, coworkers, ex-boyfriends and potential future boyfriends.

So, since I don’t have much to report on the dating front, I figured I’d venture into some “dating by the signs”….

Aries (3/21 – 4/20) Those born under the sign of Aries are full of energy. They’re adventurous and always up for trying new things. I know one Aries guy and he’s always full of stories–making friends with drag queens in Key West, teaching dogs to skateboard, scaling barbed wire fences to save a football, and attending pub crawls that led to parties of a risqué sort. He never ceases to amaze me with his stories. And when it comes to dating, Aries are extremely magnetic, effortlessly alluring the opposite sex to them. But this sense of adventure means that their “little black book” is always full–they move from one heated relationship to the next, leaving a long list of exes in their wake.

Taurus (4/21 – 5/21)  Apparently, those born under the sign of Taurus are always looking for security–financial, emotional–and so they’re practical and realistic. They hoard their money and their emotions. When it comes to romance, they’re supposed to be very loyal… but I beg to differ on that part considering that I once found a Taurus boyfriend in bed with my college roommate. But that’s ok… as cute as my Taurus boy was, those born under this sign enjoy routine so much that they can become rather…well… boring.

Gemini (5/22 – 6/21) Geminis are charming, funny, flirty–and will say pretty much anything to get what they want. My “first love” was a Gemini and it took a number of months before I realized that I couldn’t trust half of what he said. But true to his sign, he was always fun to be around (probably because Gemini is puer aeternus, the Eternal Child)…that is, until I realized he felt his sex life should resemble all the x-rated films he had downloaded on his laptop.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22) I haven’t had the pleasure of dating a Cancer man yet, but I’m not sure I want to. Cancers are moody homebodies, can be extremely insecure, and are overprotective of their loved ones. I don’t know about you, but that sounds too much like the obsessive boyfriend characters of so many Lifetime movies for my tastes. 

Leo (7/23 – 8/23) The symbol for Leo is the Lion, so those born under this sign are confident, charismatic, and powerful. My “first boyfriend” was a Leo. Of course, we were only 10 at the time and hardly said 10 words to each other during our entire “relationship” (aka, the third grade). So I really don’t personally know how a Leo behaves when in love. However, according to the books, they’re passionate and feel deeply… but in return want to be admired and adored like Kings of the Jungle.

Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) Oh, Virgos. As a Pisces, I’m supposed to get along really well with Virgos–and I can definitely say that that’s true. My best friend is a Virgo, my brother is a Virgo, and my best “work friend” is a Virgo. Those born under the sign of Virgo are dependable, analytical, and easy-going. But they can also be very critical and can be constant worriers. When it comes to dating, Virgos latch on and hold on, often over-analyzing every minor detail of relationships past and present.

Libra (9/23 – 10/23) I haven’t had the pleasure of dating a Libra, but I have a close friend who was born under the sign of the Scales. True to her sign, my Libra friend is diplomatic, sociable, and charming. She is, however, a perfectionist–always planning and planning, making sure everything turns out just how she wants it to. When it comes to romance, Libras are never at a loss for admirers. And I’m sure my Libra friend would agree that, in the bedroom, they’re quite passionate.

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/22) I like to think of Scorpios as the bad boys (and girls) of the zodiac. One of my oldest friends is a Scorpio, but I haven’t had the opportunity to date a Scorpio myself (though I think I’d like to). In general, Scorpios are loyal, imaginative, and deep. Unfortunately, they can also be jealous, secretive, and controlling. When it comes to dating, Scorpios are quite intense, passionate, and erotic. One astrology book warned that many Pisces end up as victims of the Scorpion–we Pisces are easily won over by their intense, erotic imaginations. Hmmm… sounds good to me. Where do I sign up?

Sagittarius (11/23 – 12/21) Sagittarians remind me of successful businessmen–they’re confident, optimistic, adventurous. When they set their sights on something, they go for it with passion. When it comes to romance, unfortunately, they’re always looking for the next adventure. They can’t stand routine or boredom, so they need constant stimulation… Hmm, sounds like fidelity isn’t their thing. I think I’ll pass on dating this sign.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/20) Those born under the sign of Capricorn are patient, dutiful, conventional, and reliable. I had an on-and-off again relationship with a Capricorn back in college. On the physical level, there was some serious chemistry between us. But on every other level… well, it just couldn’t work. Capricorns are very traditional, sometimes pessimistic, and can lack the passion we Pisces see as the breath of life.

Aquarius (1/21 – 2/18) While I have never dated an Aquarian, several important people in my life were born under this sign, including my dad. True to his sign, he is sociable, innovative, independent, altruistic, and rational; he can also sometimes be dogmatic, controlling, and cranky. In relationships, Aquarians are very romantic and loyal–my dad and my mom were married for 32 years. Mom would sometimes joke about how Dad would light candles, turn on romantic music, and do other sappy things to “set the mood.” Theirs is definitely the type of relationship I hope to find one day… but with a little less sappy-ness.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) And finally, Pisces–the last sign of the zodiac, as well as my own. The majority of what I’ve read about Pisces describes me pretty well: sensitive, compassionate, imaginative, impressionable, passive, receptive, empathetic, spiritual, emotional, creative, and romantic. On the negative side, we can also be confused, insecure, escapists prone to addictions (food and shopping being my addictions of choice). In relationships, the books say we’re hopeless romantics, always looking for the fantasy partner that we’ve created in our heads (guilty as charged).  And, supposedly, that rich fantasy life also creeps into the bedroom…. but I’m not going to comment on that one.