Can men and women be “just friends”?
That was the question I posed to my brother a couple of weeks ago. He (who has a number of female friends himself) quickly responded with: “No. Well, sometimes. But—generally—no. Most of the time, a guy would be willing to sleep with any one of his female friends if he had the opportunity.”
His answer pretty much confirmed what I had always thought. However, I decided to pose it to a couple of friends to see if they had a different view…
And it turned out that pretty much everyone had an opinion on the topic—and they were eager to share it. A lot of their answers then led to other topics—turning what was supposed to be a somewhat simple inquiry into an outright quest to tackle some of the stickiest issues in relationships and to answer some of the toughest relationship questions. And so, I’ve decided to devote several upcoming blog posts to investigating the topics that have come up, starting with this one:
The Friendship Question…
When asked if men and women can be “just friends”, I never got a straight yes or no answer. Most of the time, in fact, the answer was “Yes AND no.”
Most of the women felt that it is easier for women to see men in a truly platonic fashion, but that men are usually willing to take it to the next level. Only one woman felt that men and women could be strictly platonic—but I wonder if she underestimates the number of her male friends that would jump into bed with her if she gave them the chance?
It was actually the men who had more variable (and more complex) views.
My brother’s opinion was echoed by one of my friend’s boyfriends, who said: “If he’s hanging out with other women, he’s doing so for a reason. Men don’t have platonic relationships with women… guys are friends with women for one of only two reasons. Number 1: They are gay. Number 2: They want/had a relationship with you.”
Other guys I talked to first felt that it was possible for men and women to be “just friends” but then ended up giving me more complex answers—answers that were basically along the lines of “Yeah, men and women can be ‘just friends’—but men are usually willing to cross the platonic boundary.” And thus, the issue of just how one defines “friendship” came up.
Is a true friendship strictly platonic or can one have sex with a friend without having it affect the friendship? Do men and women define “friendship” differently? I’m going to venture a guess and say that most women would agree that a true friendship is strictly platonic while most men would agree that you can have sex with a friend and still be ‘just friends’. But then, there is also the issue of different types of friendships—strictly platonic friendships, ex-lover friendships, friends-with-benefits friendships, and the I-want-more-but-I’ll-pretend-this-is-just-platonic friendships.
So, needless to say, I realized that there is no simple answer to the friendship question–friendship between men and women is just too complex an equation. And that is likely why friendships between men and women cause so much strife in relationships—including jealousy… which will be next week’s issue.
