Monogamish

I read an article in Women’s Health magazine the other day about being in a “monogamish” marriage. Basically, it’s an open marriage–both partners are allowed to be physical with other people. And, apparently, it’s becoming a trend. A trend that I’m calling plain bullsh*t.

Being a hopeless romantic that still dreams of finding my soul mate one day, the article was discouraging, to say the least. It’s hard enough just trying to find love in today’s society, now we have to worry that our “one and only” may want to redefine just what “one and only” means? What’s the point of even getting married if you want to sleep around? And, seriously, how many women would be OK if their husbands were out trying to get laid every weekend? And how many men would be happy with their wives sleeping around? Very few, I imagine, very few.

I’ve asked a couple of women about whether they would ever be open to the idea of a monogamish marriage and the answers were along the lines of “No,” “No way,” and “Hell no!” But I’m interested in hearing others’ thoughts on the matter. Is it possible to have a good marriage if both partners are allowed to date and/or sleep with other people?

Life Goals

This past weekend, I met Alex–a blonde cutie with the most beautiful eyes. I had only known him for a minute before I had him in my arms, smiling at him and holding his hand. It was impossible NOT to fall in love with him. And as I stared into those beautiful eyes of his, it finally dawned on me: 

“Oh $%@#, my friend just had a baby.”

Yes, Alex is my friend Stephanie’s new little bundle of joy. While many of my friends are already married (or, at least, on their way to the altar), Stephanie is the first to pop out a little one–which, naturally, had the rest of us sitting around a table at Olive Garden this past weekend, listening to the ticking of our own biological clocks and wondering whatthehellhappened to our life plans?

As an adolescent, I had planned on going to college and then grad school, living in a fabulous city full of fabulous people, making a living as a serious writer, meeting and marrying my Prince Charming by my late twenties, possibly starting a family in my early thirties… And while I may have a couple of framed diplomas on my wall, I have yet to achieve any of the rest: my current city is far from fabulous, I’m an underpaid librarian rather than a notable writer, and as I creep into my late twenties, I’m watching the pool of potential Prince Charmings grow more and more shallow.

So as we sat around the table, drinking beer and bellinis at 1 in the afternoon on a Sunday, it really dawned on me just how different things turned out. None of our lives are as we  once dreamed them. Some are married, some are confirmed bachelorettes. Some love their jobs, some still don’t know what they want to be when they “grow up.” Some have bought houses, some still bang on their apartment walls in the vain hopes of getting their neighbors to turn the music down. And now, some have kids while others are questioning if they even want kids.

It was this realization–that everyone is so different, that everyone’s life has followed its own path–that really got me to thinking about my own “path” and what I really want in life.

Not long before my mother passed away, she said to me: “If you plan on having a family one day, you need to start thinking about it now.” I quickly responded with a “What?! I’m only 27!” But, she had a point. If I want a traditional nuclear family with a white picket fence and a dog, I need to start thinking about it now.

But that’s just it–I don’t know if that’s what I want. Actually, a lot of my friends don’t know if that’s what they want. We were raised thinking that that’s what you SHOULD want. That your life plans SHOULD include marriage and 2.5 kids. But as I looked around that restaurant table, I realized that none of us are really heading down the exact road that we were taught to aim for. And that’s ok.

Life has its own way of happening. You can make the most detailed plans, but when it comes down to it, you only have but so much control over how your life will end up. Some of us (like my friend Stephanie) will fall in love, get married, have kids, and live the traditional “happy ever after.” But others (like myself) are destined to travel a more rollercoaster road towards happiness that may or may not include marriage and family.

So, I’m determined to not freak out about being in my late twenties and still unsure about where my life is going. It’ll go where it wants to go and I’ll get there when I get there. It may include marriage. It may not. It may include kids. It may not. But, in the meantime, I’ll enjoy my “singlehood” while my married friends complain about their husbands and I’ll enjoy handing little Alex back to his parents the moment he starts to cry.

The Married and the Unmarried

“I’m engaged!”

“I’m pregnant!”

Two little phrases I hear way too often these days. I’m in my mid-twenties–that era in one’s life when, out of the blue, it seems that every female friend I’ve ever acquired is walking down the aisle and/or popping out a baby. It’s like an epidemic. An epidemic that single girls seem to loathe…while at the same time, secretly envying.

I’ll outright admit that I hate it when my friends are in relationships. Suddenly, they go from girls that want to go out and have a good time, to girls that spend most nights at home with their significant others. Conversation that used to be full of talk of dating and sex suddenly becomes talk of house-buying and pregnancy. Gone is the gossip and the talk of the crazy stuff you did last weekend–it’s replaced with OLD gossip and talk of the crazy stuff you did YEARS AGO. It’s like someone just let the air out of the fun balloons.

But at the same time, I’ll admit that I envy my coupled-up friends. They’ve found that special someone they WANT to spend time with. They no longer have to play the dating game. They’re happy to spend their nights at home in front of the TV. They don’t need the wild and crazy nights. Their lives are starting to stabilize. I’ll admit that I sometimes want that.

But that’s the conundrum. Is it possible to have it both ways? Can you find a balance between the freedom of youth and the stability of approaching adulthood? Can you let your hair down while also searching for “grown up” relationships? How do you enjoy that little bit of freedom you have left while being surrounded by friends with marriages and mortgages? Is it possible for the married and the unmarried to still maintain the friendships they had BEFORE they grew up?

Icing on the Cake

“A man should be the icing on the cake, not the cake itself.”

I’m half-tempted to put that little saying on a business card and hand it out to every desperate woman I meet. The quote is courtesy of Jen Schefft, infamous contestant on the second season of The Bachelor, as well as the lucky lady of 2005′s  The Bachelorette.

Remember her? Yeah, I don’t either. But apparently, she was the “winner” on The Bachelor and walked away from the show engaged to the handsome and wealthy Andrew Firestone. The engagment didn’t last. So, she became a Bachelorette… only to turn down TWO proposals at the end of the show.

Three proposals and no wedding? Some people called her crazy. Some called her a shrew. Some claimed she would always be a bachelorette. She responded with a book: Better Single Than Sorry: A No-Regrets Guide to Loving Yourself and Never Settling. The title sums up the book pretty well–basically, she and others give the readers lots of reasons to never settle.

She states: “We need to stand up to people who think that being single is a curse, or who label us too picky because we don’t fall in love with every guy we meet.”

I have to agree with her. As she points out in the book, how often are single people seen as “incomplete” just because they aren’t a part of a couple? How often do you have your friends look at you with their sympathetic puppy dog eyes just because there isn’t a ring on your finger? At times it makes me want to stay single just to spite them.

As Jen points out, your life shouldn’t revolve around landing a man. A man should be that something extra that makes life sweeter. You shouldn’t settle for just any old Joe just because he’s male and available. Marriage is serious business, so why enter it with a partner that you’re not head over heels for?

Jen refused to settle. She refused to pair up with just any eligible guy just so she wouldn’t be single. And that refusal paid off–she ended up meeting “the one” and the two of them eventually got hitched.

So, moral of the story? Finding true love haunts the dreams of all women, but that doesn’t mean we have to become obsessed with it. Nor does it mean we need to settle. Keep searching for your perfect match, no matter how long you have to stay single.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go find some cake… I suddenly have a craving…

Advice I Hear All Too Often

The other day, I was helping a couple in the library. Apparently, the husband was giving the wife a hard time, because the wife said to me (out of earshot of her husband):

Female Patron: (sighing) Are you married?

Me: No.

Female Patron: Never get married. It’s like raising a child.

Now, I’ve heard this same advice in various forms from various women and I can’t help but laugh. The majority of single women are looking for husbands… and yet, many married women complain about being married. Are we doomed to live in a “grass is always greener…” mentality?