All Men Are Dogs

It’s a phrase usually mumbled over glasses of wine, slices of chocolate cake, and tissues soaked with tears: “All men are dogs.” Every woman I’ve ever known has said it at one point in her life or another, usually after she’s caught her man cheating and/or he’s asked her do something that would make even a porn star blush.

But what happens when a man says it?

A friend of my aunt’s—a respected police chief—once told her that “All men are dogs. Some are just better behaved than others.” She repeated this to me over dinner one night and it stuck with me for two reasons: (1) It was a man who said it, and (2) his particular take on it got me thinking.

Around the same time, I was learning about the sordid past of a male friend. I always knew he was a little bit of a “bad boy,” but I still considered him a “good guy.” That is, until he confessed to having eight affairs during the course of his 22-year marriage. “I’m a dog,” he admitted. Yes, yes, you are.

And then, just recently, I got into a similar conversation with a family friend. Having only ever known him as the family man he is now, I never knew about his past. He told me about how, after his first marriage, he was a “womanizer,” dating multiple women at the same time.  I told him that he was “a dog.” He laughed, “Yep, I was.”

All this got me to thinking—and to looking at all the other men in my life. The vast majority of them—even the really “good” guys—have all been dogs at one point or another. Some went through “party years” as young guys in their twenties. Some got married too young and ended up cheating later, never having gotten the time to “sow their wild oats.” Some have always been dogs, unable to keep it in their pants. So is what the police chief said true? Are all men really dogs? Are some just better behaved and/or just leashed by the women in their lives?

This thought is both disheartening and a relief. On the one hand, we single women are always striving to find a “good guy,” one who isn’t a “dog.” When we think we’ve landed a good one, we’re inevitably heartbroken when he displays any sign of “dog-ness.” To think that every man we’ll ever date is, on some level, a dog makes me want to throw in the towel altogether.

However, one could look at it from a different angle. If we look at all the potential men out there and already assume that they’re dogs, it means we’ll be less surprised when our “behaved dog” checks out the waitress and/or flirts with our best friend. It would be a relief to know that we can lower our expectations a little bit, to know that we won’t be so surprised when our “Mr. Perfect” makes some dog-like comment.

So, at the moment, I’m torn. Is the police chief right? Are all men dogs and we single women burdened with the task of trying to find the best behaved puppy in the pound? Or is “all men are dogs” just an excuse some men use to justify their dog behavior?

I’m Baaaaaaaack!

Apparently, all it takes is a nice compliment and I’ll do pretty much anything…which makes me a little slutty, I guess.

A few weeks ago, a friend mentioned that she missed my blog posts. That’s really all I needed to hear before I started thinking about all the topics I could blog about. So, I’ve decided to give it a go again. Stay tuned for future posts on: the allure of married men (why is it so fun to flirt with them?), why all men are dogs (a man said it, not me!), and an experiment that a friend and I are going to try (will subliminal messaging improve my dating life?).

See you soon!

Say What?! Part One

So, this past weekend, I sat on the couch, tuned the TV to reruns, pulled out the laptop and did the clichéd, pathetic, single person activity of browsing dating sites on a Saturday night.

Not yet committed to the idea of online dating, I decided to browse one of the “free” dating sites. And like certain other things that shouldn’t be handed out too freely, the act came with some consequences: Just as I was in the midst of filling out my profile, a little box popped up warning me that a Trojan virus had been detected and quarantined. Thank you Symantec AntiVirus for being my computer condom.

Needless to say, I decided that “free” online dating probably wasn’t the brightest idea. I did however, get the chance to browse a couple of profiles first. Of the many ridiculous, ignorant, and downright stupid things that some men put on their profiles, two things stood out to me:

1.) There are a number of men out there that want “low maintenance” women.

2.) There are a lot of men that “don’t want any drama.”

Reading either or both of these phrases in a man’s personal ad are automatic red flags for me. And I’m going to tell you why.

1.) “I don’t want a woman who’s high maintenance.”

I’ve always had issue with men describing women as either “high maintenance” or “low maintenance.” Just what exactly does that mean? At times, I’ve heard women (like myself) be called “high maintenance” simply because they have a lot of makeup and hair products. So, are men saying that they don’t want women who wear makeup? Who don’t make an effort to look good? Or does “high maintenance” go further, implying that the woman wants to be wined and dined? And, if that’s the case, aren’t these men basically saying “I don’t want to have to make an effort when it comes to dating”? Either way, I’ll pass on any man who states in his public dating profile that he’s not looking for a “high maintenance” woman.

2.) “I’m tired of all the drama.”

When I see a man specifically state that he “doesn’t want any drama,” I translate it as “I don’t want to have to care.”

Now, granted, I have known some women that I guess you could say “had a lot of drama” and I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to date them had I been a guy. But their drama was the legitimate, I-need-therapy-and-medication type of drama.

As for the rest of us, all I can say is that  we’re human beings and, as such, we’re bound to have baggage and periods of drama in our lives, especially as we get older. Ex-husbands & ex-wives, ex-boyfriends & ex-girlfriends, kids from previous marriages and/or out-of-wedlock, caring for aging parents, criminal records, problems with work, health issues, etc.–every one of us is bound to have baggage of some sort and it’s bound to cause problems at some point. So when a man states right off the bat that he doesn’t want to have to deal with it, than he’s obviously not worth my attention.

Oh, the perilous task of online dating. Not only are you at risk of catching Trojans, you have to dig through the muck of virtual men on your hunt for the rare gem. I found lots of other red flags during my short scan of dating profiles, but I’ll save them for another day.

We’re (Not) Just Friends

Can men and women be “just friends”?

That was the question I posed to my brother a couple of weeks ago. He (who has a number of female friends himself) quickly responded with: “No. Well, sometimes. But—generally—no. Most of the time, a guy would be willing to sleep with any one of his female friends if he had the opportunity.”

His answer pretty much confirmed what I had always thought. However, I decided to pose it to a couple of friends to see if they had a different view…

And it turned out that pretty much everyone had an opinion on the topic—and they were eager to share it. A lot of their answers then led to other topics—turning what was supposed to be a somewhat simple inquiry into an outright quest to tackle some of the stickiest issues in relationships and to answer some of the toughest relationship questions. And so, I’ve decided to devote several upcoming blog posts to investigating the topics that have come up, starting with this one:

The Friendship Question…

When asked if men and women can be “just friends”, I never got a straight yes or no answer. Most of the time, in fact, the answer was “Yes AND no.”

Most of the women felt that it is easier for women to see men in a truly platonic fashion, but that men are usually willing to take it to the next level. Only one woman felt that men and women could be strictly platonic—but I wonder if she underestimates the number of her male friends that would jump into bed with her if she gave them the chance?

It was actually the men who had more variable (and more complex) views.

My brother’s opinion was echoed by one of my friend’s boyfriends, who said: “If he’s hanging out with other women, he’s doing so for a reason. Men don’t have platonic relationships with women… guys are friends with women for one of only two reasons. Number 1: They are gay. Number 2: They want/had a relationship with you.”

Other guys I talked to first felt that it was possible for men and women to be “just friends” but then ended up giving me more complex answers—answers that were basically along the lines of “Yeah, men and women can be ‘just friends’—but men are usually willing to cross the platonic boundary.” And thus, the issue of just how one defines “friendship” came up.

Is a true friendship strictly platonic or can one have sex with a friend without having it affect the friendship? Do men and women define “friendship” differently? I’m going to venture a guess and say that most women would agree that a true friendship is strictly platonic while most men would agree that you can have sex with a friend and still be ‘just friends’. But then, there is also the issue of different types of friendships—strictly platonic friendships, ex-lover friendships, friends-with-benefits friendships, and the I-want-more-but-I’ll-pretend-this-is-just-platonic friendships.

So, needless to say, I realized that there is no simple answer to the friendship question–friendship between men and women is just too complex an equation. And that is likely why friendships between men and women cause so much strife in relationships—including jealousy… which will be next week’s issue.

Is It Too Much To Ask?

A couple of years ago, a friend and I signed up for an account on Yahoo! Personals. It was a spur of the moment thing. A “it’s Friday night and we’re home alone” type of thing.

I haven’t logged into the account since then. The profile isn’t even public anymore (so don’t go looking). But Yahoo! still remembers my email address and likes to send me “15 New Matches!” every week. Normally, I just delete the emails without even opening them. But, occasionally, I’ll be overcome with single girl curiousity and I’ll sneak a peek at the 15 men that Yahoo! thinks I might like.

And Yahoo! is usually wrong. Way wrong.

Out of the fifteen, there might be one (ONE!) that I’d consider exchanging a few words with.

Which brings me to what prompted this post:

The other day, I received a “15 New Matches!” email and decided to open it because, if the fifteen men are particularly bad, I like to forward them to my best single girl friend with the subject line “I’d rather stay single.”

Of my fifteen new matches, one stood out. A guy named Josh. After two particularly bad experiences with Joshes, I’m forbidden to date another one. But, this Josh was attractive, in my age range, and had a sweet smile so I decided to click further and see his full profile.

It turned out that he wasn’t perfect, but I’m willing to compromise.

To a degree.

In his profile, he declared that he was looking for a woman with a “sense of humor.”

Only, he misspelled sense.

Sence.

And there were other spelling and grammar issues, as well.

Now, I’m no grammar and spelling snob. I’m sure you’ll find lots of misspelled words and grammatical mistakes in my blog. But I would certainly spellcheck my personal ad before putting it online. Is it too much to ask a guy to do the same thing? If a person can’t be bothered to put effort into their personal ad–something that gives potential mates a glimpse into who you are–I wonder just what else the person won’t put any effort into.

So, sorry Josh. I will not be sending you a cyber “wink”.

These Yahoo! emails also have me a tad worried. I figure that I’ll eventually have to go the online dating route (depite the fact that I live in a military town overflowing with men, but that’s a different story). But, as one online dater friend of mine has warned me: “Be prepared to lower your standards.”

Lower my standards?!

To quote my mother, my standards “can’t get any lower.” A list of my exes include a guy without a drivers license, a former gang member, and a high school dropout that constantly mixed up “epitome” and “epiphany”. I had figured that, as I grew older, got a graduate degree, and started earning my own money, I’d be able to raise my standards, not be forced to lower them.

So am I wrong? Is it too much to ask that a guy spellcheck his online personal ad? That he at least crop out the cell phone in his I-took-this-using-a-mirror-and-a-cellphone profile picture? That he have a drivers license and access to a dictionary? Or is this the sad dating pool in which smart, single girls like myself are forced to swim?