Say What?! Part One

So, this past weekend, I sat on the couch, tuned the TV to reruns, pulled out the laptop and did the clichéd, pathetic, single person activity of browsing dating sites on a Saturday night.

Not yet committed to the idea of online dating, I decided to browse one of the “free” dating sites. And like certain other things that shouldn’t be handed out too freely, the act came with some consequences: Just as I was in the midst of filling out my profile, a little box popped up warning me that a Trojan virus had been detected and quarantined. Thank you Symantec AntiVirus for being my computer condom.

Needless to say, I decided that “free” online dating probably wasn’t the brightest idea. I did however, get the chance to browse a couple of profiles first. Of the many ridiculous, ignorant, and downright stupid things that some men put on their profiles, two things stood out to me:

1.) There are a number of men out there that want “low maintenance” women.

2.) There are a lot of men that “don’t want any drama.”

Reading either or both of these phrases in a man’s personal ad are automatic red flags for me. And I’m going to tell you why.

1.) “I don’t want a woman who’s high maintenance.”

I’ve always had issue with men describing women as either “high maintenance” or “low maintenance.” Just what exactly does that mean? At times, I’ve heard women (like myself) be called “high maintenance” simply because they have a lot of makeup and hair products. So, are men saying that they don’t want women who wear makeup? Who don’t make an effort to look good? Or does “high maintenance” go further, implying that the woman wants to be wined and dined? And, if that’s the case, aren’t these men basically saying “I don’t want to have to make an effort when it comes to dating”? Either way, I’ll pass on any man who states in his public dating profile that he’s not looking for a “high maintenance” woman.

2.) “I’m tired of all the drama.”

When I see a man specifically state that he “doesn’t want any drama,” I translate it as “I don’t want to have to care.”

Now, granted, I have known some women that I guess you could say “had a lot of drama” and I certainly wouldn’t have wanted to date them had I been a guy. But their drama was the legitimate, I-need-therapy-and-medication type of drama.

As for the rest of us, all I can say is that  we’re human beings and, as such, we’re bound to have baggage and periods of drama in our lives, especially as we get older. Ex-husbands & ex-wives, ex-boyfriends & ex-girlfriends, kids from previous marriages and/or out-of-wedlock, caring for aging parents, criminal records, problems with work, health issues, etc.–every one of us is bound to have baggage of some sort and it’s bound to cause problems at some point. So when a man states right off the bat that he doesn’t want to have to deal with it, than he’s obviously not worth my attention.

Oh, the perilous task of online dating. Not only are you at risk of catching Trojans, you have to dig through the muck of virtual men on your hunt for the rare gem. I found lots of other red flags during my short scan of dating profiles, but I’ll save them for another day.

Is It Too Much To Ask?

A couple of years ago, a friend and I signed up for an account on Yahoo! Personals. It was a spur of the moment thing. A “it’s Friday night and we’re home alone” type of thing.

I haven’t logged into the account since then. The profile isn’t even public anymore (so don’t go looking). But Yahoo! still remembers my email address and likes to send me “15 New Matches!” every week. Normally, I just delete the emails without even opening them. But, occasionally, I’ll be overcome with single girl curiousity and I’ll sneak a peek at the 15 men that Yahoo! thinks I might like.

And Yahoo! is usually wrong. Way wrong.

Out of the fifteen, there might be one (ONE!) that I’d consider exchanging a few words with.

Which brings me to what prompted this post:

The other day, I received a “15 New Matches!” email and decided to open it because, if the fifteen men are particularly bad, I like to forward them to my best single girl friend with the subject line “I’d rather stay single.”

Of my fifteen new matches, one stood out. A guy named Josh. After two particularly bad experiences with Joshes, I’m forbidden to date another one. But, this Josh was attractive, in my age range, and had a sweet smile so I decided to click further and see his full profile.

It turned out that he wasn’t perfect, but I’m willing to compromise.

To a degree.

In his profile, he declared that he was looking for a woman with a “sense of humor.”

Only, he misspelled sense.

Sence.

And there were other spelling and grammar issues, as well.

Now, I’m no grammar and spelling snob. I’m sure you’ll find lots of misspelled words and grammatical mistakes in my blog. But I would certainly spellcheck my personal ad before putting it online. Is it too much to ask a guy to do the same thing? If a person can’t be bothered to put effort into their personal ad–something that gives potential mates a glimpse into who you are–I wonder just what else the person won’t put any effort into.

So, sorry Josh. I will not be sending you a cyber “wink”.

These Yahoo! emails also have me a tad worried. I figure that I’ll eventually have to go the online dating route (depite the fact that I live in a military town overflowing with men, but that’s a different story). But, as one online dater friend of mine has warned me: “Be prepared to lower your standards.”

Lower my standards?!

To quote my mother, my standards “can’t get any lower.” A list of my exes include a guy without a drivers license, a former gang member, and a high school dropout that constantly mixed up “epitome” and “epiphany”. I had figured that, as I grew older, got a graduate degree, and started earning my own money, I’d be able to raise my standards, not be forced to lower them.

So am I wrong? Is it too much to ask that a guy spellcheck his online personal ad? That he at least crop out the cell phone in his I-took-this-using-a-mirror-and-a-cellphone profile picture? That he have a drivers license and access to a dictionary? Or is this the sad dating pool in which smart, single girls like myself are forced to swim?

Thou Shalt Not Lie About Ye Weight

It dawned on me last night that I have, in fact, done the online dating thing before.

Well, sort of.

The year was (wait…let me get out my calculator…) 1999 and AOL was THEE thing. I spent countless evenings listening to that funky dial tone as it tried to connect a shy, overweight sixteen year old to the information super highway. It was on that highway that I met Nate, a nineteen year old guy that I–in my hormonal, teenage way–”fell for” instantly.

We talked for weeks. Flirty emails back and forth. Then late night phone calls. And if you can remember from that era, you didn’t exchange photos right away–you actually had to describe yourself using–gasp!–just words. So, when he asked me how much I weighed, I (surprise, surprise) lied my a$$ off.

And I mean LIED. Like, a thirty pound lie.

When we did exchange photos, I (of course) sent him a very flattering photo of me (good angle, dark lighting, with most of my body cropped out). He, in turn, sent me a photo that matched how he described himself: 6’5″ and a bodybuilder. Nice. Very nice.

So, you can imagine his horror when I showed up for our first meeting. The look on his face said it all: “Who the he!! are you?”

But we “hung out” for about half an hour (during which I realized that the size of his ego was proportional to the size of his biceps). And, needless to say, it was over after that.

Although I know that my weight wasn’t the main reason why Nate and I didn’t work out, the fact that I wasn’t honest about who I was was a contributing factor. Apparently, honesty is crucial when it comes to online dating. And that includes what photos you use in your online dating profile.

Leslie Oren devotes an entire chapter of her book Fine, I’ll Go Online to photos. There is apparently an art to choosing the right ones. She lists what you should NOT do, including: post pictures of yourself with all your beautiful friends, post pictures of yourself that are more than two years old, and post pictures of yourself 20 lbs thinner. It’s the “20 lbs. thinner” part that’s quite difficult to follow. I mean, who doesn’t want to show themselves in a thinner light?

But, like Oren states (and like I found out the hard way), you don’t want to shock the guy. If he’s expecting a size 8 and you show up a size 14, he’s gonna notice. And he’s gonna feel duped.

So, I’ve realized that, before I start this online dating thing, I need to lose 20 (OK, 30) lbs. and then have a photoshoot. Anyone know a good photographer?

I Shouldn’t Have Looked

Online dating.

It’s a phrase that usually elicits mixed responses. If  you happen to tell folks that you’re “doing the online dating thing,” you’re lucky if you get the “Oh, my friend So-and-so met her husband online! They’re so happy together!” response (at which you smile and let out the breath you didn’t know you were been holding).

But sometimes, the response you get is just silence… and a look of pity. You know the look–the sad eyes that seem to say “Oh, you poor thing, you must have hit rock bottom!” and that flat-lipped smile usually reserved for sickly, stray dogs? Yeah, that look. Which is usually followed by “Have you tried doing such-and-such?” or “I know a couple of single guys.” It’s at that point that you feel like the cartoon character with the storm cloud above your head, praying that lightning will strike you dead.  

So, yeah, in case you haven’t figured it out yet, I’m going to try that online dating thing.

Eventually.

And by “eventually” I mean that I’m currently reading a book about online dating. For all you book nerds out there, it’s called Fine, I’ll Go Online: The Hollywood Publicist’s Guide to Successful Internet Dating by Leslie Oren. And yes, Leslie Oren is a real publicist–meaning that she is an expert in making people look good.

And that is just her task in the book–she claims to be able to use her publicist skills to help her readers create a profile that shows them in the best light so they’ll attract the right partners. So far, nothing she’s said has been super enlightening… but I’m only on the fourth chapter.

I did, however, heed some of her advice and tried to scope out some of the major dating sites: Yahoo! Personals, Match.com, eHarmony, and PlentyOfFish.

Match.com and eHarmony wouldn’t let me in. You’re required to create a profile before they let you look. Which, I believe, is not a good marketing strategy, although it is a good way to protect their members’ privacy.

Yahoo! Personals was actually rather depressing. Now, granted, I only looked through about 30 profiles… but not one of them piqued my interest. I then checked out PlentyOfFish.com, which had better results. There was actually one guy that really interested me… until I read that he prefers skinny/thin girls…. which kicks me out of his dating pool. 

Has anyone out there had any luck with online dating? Anything like those cheesy success stories you see on the commercials? Or is the online dating pool just as dirty as the regular dating pool?

And P.S… Why do men seem to refuse to smile in their profile pictures? Don’t they realize that they look like serial killers when they don’t smile?