All Men Are Dogs

It’s a phrase usually mumbled over glasses of wine, slices of chocolate cake, and tissues soaked with tears: “All men are dogs.” Every woman I’ve ever known has said it at one point in her life or another, usually after she’s caught her man cheating and/or he’s asked her do something that would make even a porn star blush.

But what happens when a man says it?

A friend of my aunt’s—a respected police chief—once told her that “All men are dogs. Some are just better behaved than others.” She repeated this to me over dinner one night and it stuck with me for two reasons: (1) It was a man who said it, and (2) his particular take on it got me thinking.

Around the same time, I was learning about the sordid past of a male friend. I always knew he was a little bit of a “bad boy,” but I still considered him a “good guy.” That is, until he confessed to having eight affairs during the course of his 22-year marriage. “I’m a dog,” he admitted. Yes, yes, you are.

And then, just recently, I got into a similar conversation with a family friend. Having only ever known him as the family man he is now, I never knew about his past. He told me about how, after his first marriage, he was a “womanizer,” dating multiple women at the same time.  I told him that he was “a dog.” He laughed, “Yep, I was.”

All this got me to thinking—and to looking at all the other men in my life. The vast majority of them—even the really “good” guys—have all been dogs at one point or another. Some went through “party years” as young guys in their twenties. Some got married too young and ended up cheating later, never having gotten the time to “sow their wild oats.” Some have always been dogs, unable to keep it in their pants. So is what the police chief said true? Are all men really dogs? Are some just better behaved and/or just leashed by the women in their lives?

This thought is both disheartening and a relief. On the one hand, we single women are always striving to find a “good guy,” one who isn’t a “dog.” When we think we’ve landed a good one, we’re inevitably heartbroken when he displays any sign of “dog-ness.” To think that every man we’ll ever date is, on some level, a dog makes me want to throw in the towel altogether.

However, one could look at it from a different angle. If we look at all the potential men out there and already assume that they’re dogs, it means we’ll be less surprised when our “behaved dog” checks out the waitress and/or flirts with our best friend. It would be a relief to know that we can lower our expectations a little bit, to know that we won’t be so surprised when our “Mr. Perfect” makes some dog-like comment.

So, at the moment, I’m torn. Is the police chief right? Are all men dogs and we single women burdened with the task of trying to find the best behaved puppy in the pound? Or is “all men are dogs” just an excuse some men use to justify their dog behavior?

Hey Baby, What’s Your Sign?

Men have tried a number of pickup lines on me, but no one has ever used that particular one. But, I admit, I would like them to. And I wouldn’t mind using it on some men, as well. Instead, I have to come up with creative ways to scope out their birthdays (such as looking up their library card numbers….just one of the perks of being a librarian).

Yes, yes, I’m an astrology nerd. Ok, sort of. A couple of astrology books dot my bookshelves, but I don’t religiously read my horoscope. I do, however, know the zodiac signs of all the important people in my life–family, friends, enemies, coworkers, ex-boyfriends and potential future boyfriends.

So, since I don’t have much to report on the dating front, I figured I’d venture into some “dating by the signs”….

Aries (3/21 – 4/20) Those born under the sign of Aries are full of energy. They’re adventurous and always up for trying new things. I know one Aries guy and he’s always full of stories–making friends with drag queens in Key West, teaching dogs to skateboard, scaling barbed wire fences to save a football, and attending pub crawls that led to parties of a risqué sort. He never ceases to amaze me with his stories. And when it comes to dating, Aries are extremely magnetic, effortlessly alluring the opposite sex to them. But this sense of adventure means that their “little black book” is always full–they move from one heated relationship to the next, leaving a long list of exes in their wake.

Taurus (4/21 – 5/21)  Apparently, those born under the sign of Taurus are always looking for security–financial, emotional–and so they’re practical and realistic. They hoard their money and their emotions. When it comes to romance, they’re supposed to be very loyal… but I beg to differ on that part considering that I once found a Taurus boyfriend in bed with my college roommate. But that’s ok… as cute as my Taurus boy was, those born under this sign enjoy routine so much that they can become rather…well… boring.

Gemini (5/22 – 6/21) Geminis are charming, funny, flirty–and will say pretty much anything to get what they want. My “first love” was a Gemini and it took a number of months before I realized that I couldn’t trust half of what he said. But true to his sign, he was always fun to be around (probably because Gemini is puer aeternus, the Eternal Child)…that is, until I realized he felt his sex life should resemble all the x-rated films he had downloaded on his laptop.

Cancer (6/22 – 7/22) I haven’t had the pleasure of dating a Cancer man yet, but I’m not sure I want to. Cancers are moody homebodies, can be extremely insecure, and are overprotective of their loved ones. I don’t know about you, but that sounds too much like the obsessive boyfriend characters of so many Lifetime movies for my tastes. 

Leo (7/23 – 8/23) The symbol for Leo is the Lion, so those born under this sign are confident, charismatic, and powerful. My “first boyfriend” was a Leo. Of course, we were only 10 at the time and hardly said 10 words to each other during our entire “relationship” (aka, the third grade). So I really don’t personally know how a Leo behaves when in love. However, according to the books, they’re passionate and feel deeply… but in return want to be admired and adored like Kings of the Jungle.

Virgo (8/24 – 9/22) Oh, Virgos. As a Pisces, I’m supposed to get along really well with Virgos–and I can definitely say that that’s true. My best friend is a Virgo, my brother is a Virgo, and my best “work friend” is a Virgo. Those born under the sign of Virgo are dependable, analytical, and easy-going. But they can also be very critical and can be constant worriers. When it comes to dating, Virgos latch on and hold on, often over-analyzing every minor detail of relationships past and present.

Libra (9/23 – 10/23) I haven’t had the pleasure of dating a Libra, but I have a close friend who was born under the sign of the Scales. True to her sign, my Libra friend is diplomatic, sociable, and charming. She is, however, a perfectionist–always planning and planning, making sure everything turns out just how she wants it to. When it comes to romance, Libras are never at a loss for admirers. And I’m sure my Libra friend would agree that, in the bedroom, they’re quite passionate.

Scorpio (10/24 – 11/22) I like to think of Scorpios as the bad boys (and girls) of the zodiac. One of my oldest friends is a Scorpio, but I haven’t had the opportunity to date a Scorpio myself (though I think I’d like to). In general, Scorpios are loyal, imaginative, and deep. Unfortunately, they can also be jealous, secretive, and controlling. When it comes to dating, Scorpios are quite intense, passionate, and erotic. One astrology book warned that many Pisces end up as victims of the Scorpion–we Pisces are easily won over by their intense, erotic imaginations. Hmmm… sounds good to me. Where do I sign up?

Sagittarius (11/23 – 12/21) Sagittarians remind me of successful businessmen–they’re confident, optimistic, adventurous. When they set their sights on something, they go for it with passion. When it comes to romance, unfortunately, they’re always looking for the next adventure. They can’t stand routine or boredom, so they need constant stimulation… Hmm, sounds like fidelity isn’t their thing. I think I’ll pass on dating this sign.

Capricorn (12/22 – 1/20) Those born under the sign of Capricorn are patient, dutiful, conventional, and reliable. I had an on-and-off again relationship with a Capricorn back in college. On the physical level, there was some serious chemistry between us. But on every other level… well, it just couldn’t work. Capricorns are very traditional, sometimes pessimistic, and can lack the passion we Pisces see as the breath of life.

Aquarius (1/21 – 2/18) While I have never dated an Aquarian, several important people in my life were born under this sign, including my dad. True to his sign, he is sociable, innovative, independent, altruistic, and rational; he can also sometimes be dogmatic, controlling, and cranky. In relationships, Aquarians are very romantic and loyal–my dad and my mom were married for 32 years. Mom would sometimes joke about how Dad would light candles, turn on romantic music, and do other sappy things to “set the mood.” Theirs is definitely the type of relationship I hope to find one day… but with a little less sappy-ness.

Pisces (2/19 – 3/20) And finally, Pisces–the last sign of the zodiac, as well as my own. The majority of what I’ve read about Pisces describes me pretty well: sensitive, compassionate, imaginative, impressionable, passive, receptive, empathetic, spiritual, emotional, creative, and romantic. On the negative side, we can also be confused, insecure, escapists prone to addictions (food and shopping being my addictions of choice). In relationships, the books say we’re hopeless romantics, always looking for the fantasy partner that we’ve created in our heads (guilty as charged).  And, supposedly, that rich fantasy life also creeps into the bedroom…. but I’m not going to comment on that one.

We’re (Not) Just Friends

Can men and women be “just friends”?

That was the question I posed to my brother a couple of weeks ago. He (who has a number of female friends himself) quickly responded with: “No. Well, sometimes. But—generally—no. Most of the time, a guy would be willing to sleep with any one of his female friends if he had the opportunity.”

His answer pretty much confirmed what I had always thought. However, I decided to pose it to a couple of friends to see if they had a different view…

And it turned out that pretty much everyone had an opinion on the topic—and they were eager to share it. A lot of their answers then led to other topics—turning what was supposed to be a somewhat simple inquiry into an outright quest to tackle some of the stickiest issues in relationships and to answer some of the toughest relationship questions. And so, I’ve decided to devote several upcoming blog posts to investigating the topics that have come up, starting with this one:

The Friendship Question…

When asked if men and women can be “just friends”, I never got a straight yes or no answer. Most of the time, in fact, the answer was “Yes AND no.”

Most of the women felt that it is easier for women to see men in a truly platonic fashion, but that men are usually willing to take it to the next level. Only one woman felt that men and women could be strictly platonic—but I wonder if she underestimates the number of her male friends that would jump into bed with her if she gave them the chance?

It was actually the men who had more variable (and more complex) views.

My brother’s opinion was echoed by one of my friend’s boyfriends, who said: “If he’s hanging out with other women, he’s doing so for a reason. Men don’t have platonic relationships with women… guys are friends with women for one of only two reasons. Number 1: They are gay. Number 2: They want/had a relationship with you.”

Other guys I talked to first felt that it was possible for men and women to be “just friends” but then ended up giving me more complex answers—answers that were basically along the lines of “Yeah, men and women can be ‘just friends’—but men are usually willing to cross the platonic boundary.” And thus, the issue of just how one defines “friendship” came up.

Is a true friendship strictly platonic or can one have sex with a friend without having it affect the friendship? Do men and women define “friendship” differently? I’m going to venture a guess and say that most women would agree that a true friendship is strictly platonic while most men would agree that you can have sex with a friend and still be ‘just friends’. But then, there is also the issue of different types of friendships—strictly platonic friendships, ex-lover friendships, friends-with-benefits friendships, and the I-want-more-but-I’ll-pretend-this-is-just-platonic friendships.

So, needless to say, I realized that there is no simple answer to the friendship question–friendship between men and women is just too complex an equation. And that is likely why friendships between men and women cause so much strife in relationships—including jealousy… which will be next week’s issue.

The Hook Up

I’m not a fan of women’s magazines. I’ll admit that, in college, I was an addict–there were always stacks of Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Marie Claire, and Allure by my bed. But, over the years, I’ve stopped reading them. They just make me feel inadequate in every area of my life. The fashion articles make me feel unfashionabale. The hair and makeup articles make me feel ugly. The social life articles make me feel unsocialable. And the dating articles… well, you get the picture.

Anyway, the other day I bought a copy of Glamour just because it’s been… wow, probably nearly a year… since I last read one and I figured “Hey, why not?”

Well, unsurprisingly, it made me feel like crap. However, there was one article that I found pretty interesting…

It was a special report (titled “Sex With A Stranger”) about the new hook up trend sweeping across the country. People log onto sites like Fling.com, AdultFriendFinder, and OnlineBootyCall (to name a few) for the sole purpose of meeting up with total strangers and having sex. Technically, it’s free sex on demand. All you have to do is log onto a website and say, “Hey, anyone up for a romp?” Quick, easy, to the point, and, in a budget conscience culture, FREE! It makes good, old-fashioned prostitution seem…well… old-fashioned!

For the people that do it often, it’s a thrilling (albeit dangerous) experience. But if you’re like me, you can’t help but worry a little bit. I’m far from a prude, but I’m also not an advocate of a sexual free-for-all. Has sex become so meaningless that people think nothing of jumping into bed with complete strangers night after night..after night…after night?

And how does this affect our dating and love lives? Are we expected to just give it up on the first date without any hesitation? Are we at risk of being dumped because we won’t jump into bed within the first few months of a new relationship (which has happened to both me and several dear friends of mine)? Whatever happened to playing “hard to get”?

Is real love still possible in a world where people hook up and break up at a lightning pace? Is it crazy for us to still dream of “happily ever afters”? Has the dating game been reduced to nothing more than a complicated quest to get someone into bed?

It’s no wonder that so many people throw in the towel…

The Married and the Unmarried

“I’m engaged!”

“I’m pregnant!”

Two little phrases I hear way too often these days. I’m in my mid-twenties–that era in one’s life when, out of the blue, it seems that every female friend I’ve ever acquired is walking down the aisle and/or popping out a baby. It’s like an epidemic. An epidemic that single girls seem to loathe…while at the same time, secretly envying.

I’ll outright admit that I hate it when my friends are in relationships. Suddenly, they go from girls that want to go out and have a good time, to girls that spend most nights at home with their significant others. Conversation that used to be full of talk of dating and sex suddenly becomes talk of house-buying and pregnancy. Gone is the gossip and the talk of the crazy stuff you did last weekend–it’s replaced with OLD gossip and talk of the crazy stuff you did YEARS AGO. It’s like someone just let the air out of the fun balloons.

But at the same time, I’ll admit that I envy my coupled-up friends. They’ve found that special someone they WANT to spend time with. They no longer have to play the dating game. They’re happy to spend their nights at home in front of the TV. They don’t need the wild and crazy nights. Their lives are starting to stabilize. I’ll admit that I sometimes want that.

But that’s the conundrum. Is it possible to have it both ways? Can you find a balance between the freedom of youth and the stability of approaching adulthood? Can you let your hair down while also searching for “grown up” relationships? How do you enjoy that little bit of freedom you have left while being surrounded by friends with marriages and mortgages? Is it possible for the married and the unmarried to still maintain the friendships they had BEFORE they grew up?