We’re (Not) Just Friends

Can men and women be “just friends”?

That was the question I posed to my brother a couple of weeks ago. He (who has a number of female friends himself) quickly responded with: “No. Well, sometimes. But—generally—no. Most of the time, a guy would be willing to sleep with any one of his female friends if he had the opportunity.”

His answer pretty much confirmed what I had always thought. However, I decided to pose it to a couple of friends to see if they had a different view…

And it turned out that pretty much everyone had an opinion on the topic—and they were eager to share it. A lot of their answers then led to other topics—turning what was supposed to be a somewhat simple inquiry into an outright quest to tackle some of the stickiest issues in relationships and to answer some of the toughest relationship questions. And so, I’ve decided to devote several upcoming blog posts to investigating the topics that have come up, starting with this one:

The Friendship Question…

When asked if men and women can be “just friends”, I never got a straight yes or no answer. Most of the time, in fact, the answer was “Yes AND no.”

Most of the women felt that it is easier for women to see men in a truly platonic fashion, but that men are usually willing to take it to the next level. Only one woman felt that men and women could be strictly platonic—but I wonder if she underestimates the number of her male friends that would jump into bed with her if she gave them the chance?

It was actually the men who had more variable (and more complex) views.

My brother’s opinion was echoed by one of my friend’s boyfriends, who said: “If he’s hanging out with other women, he’s doing so for a reason. Men don’t have platonic relationships with women… guys are friends with women for one of only two reasons. Number 1: They are gay. Number 2: They want/had a relationship with you.”

Other guys I talked to first felt that it was possible for men and women to be “just friends” but then ended up giving me more complex answers—answers that were basically along the lines of “Yeah, men and women can be ‘just friends’—but men are usually willing to cross the platonic boundary.” And thus, the issue of just how one defines “friendship” came up.

Is a true friendship strictly platonic or can one have sex with a friend without having it affect the friendship? Do men and women define “friendship” differently? I’m going to venture a guess and say that most women would agree that a true friendship is strictly platonic while most men would agree that you can have sex with a friend and still be ‘just friends’. But then, there is also the issue of different types of friendships—strictly platonic friendships, ex-lover friendships, friends-with-benefits friendships, and the I-want-more-but-I’ll-pretend-this-is-just-platonic friendships.

So, needless to say, I realized that there is no simple answer to the friendship question–friendship between men and women is just too complex an equation. And that is likely why friendships between men and women cause so much strife in relationships—including jealousy… which will be next week’s issue.

The Hook Up

I’m not a fan of women’s magazines. I’ll admit that, in college, I was an addict–there were always stacks of Cosmopolitan, Glamour, Marie Claire, and Allure by my bed. But, over the years, I’ve stopped reading them. They just make me feel inadequate in every area of my life. The fashion articles make me feel unfashionabale. The hair and makeup articles make me feel ugly. The social life articles make me feel unsocialable. And the dating articles… well, you get the picture.

Anyway, the other day I bought a copy of Glamour just because it’s been… wow, probably nearly a year… since I last read one and I figured “Hey, why not?”

Well, unsurprisingly, it made me feel like crap. However, there was one article that I found pretty interesting…

It was a special report (titled “Sex With A Stranger”) about the new hook up trend sweeping across the country. People log onto sites like Fling.com, AdultFriendFinder, and OnlineBootyCall (to name a few) for the sole purpose of meeting up with total strangers and having sex. Technically, it’s free sex on demand. All you have to do is log onto a website and say, “Hey, anyone up for a romp?” Quick, easy, to the point, and, in a budget conscience culture, FREE! It makes good, old-fashioned prostitution seem…well… old-fashioned!

For the people that do it often, it’s a thrilling (albeit dangerous) experience. But if you’re like me, you can’t help but worry a little bit. I’m far from a prude, but I’m also not an advocate of a sexual free-for-all. Has sex become so meaningless that people think nothing of jumping into bed with complete strangers night after night..after night…after night?

And how does this affect our dating and love lives? Are we expected to just give it up on the first date without any hesitation? Are we at risk of being dumped because we won’t jump into bed within the first few months of a new relationship (which has happened to both me and several dear friends of mine)? Whatever happened to playing “hard to get”?

Is real love still possible in a world where people hook up and break up at a lightning pace? Is it crazy for us to still dream of “happily ever afters”? Has the dating game been reduced to nothing more than a complicated quest to get someone into bed?

It’s no wonder that so many people throw in the towel…

The Sex Issue

A previous book I read (You Didn’t Hear It From Us) basically said that, in today’s world, there is no proper sexual protocol. Everything goes, they said: one night stands with random strangers, sex on the first date, etc.

But DePandi (Think Like A Guy) begs to differ.

Among the many “tips” she gives us single ladies, several relate to the bedroom, including “never admit you’ve slept with more than five guys.”

So, the numbers thing: DePandi actually says to lie. Yes, lie. If you’ve slept with more than 5 guys, do NOT own up to it. Why? She claims that “a low number tells him that you’re very selective in your partners, and getting you into bed will be a challenge.” Guys like a challenge. If you’re too “easy,” they’ll lose interest pretty fast. DePandi actually advises her readers to not even kiss on the first date–it’ll keep him wondering until your second date.

However, if your number is zero, DePandi advises you not to bring it up. “Past the age of 21, guys are not interested in taking your virginity–it’s too much emotional work,” she writes. So what’s a girl to do? Don’t bring it up until you’ve already got him hooked. Make sure he’s smitten and beyond turning back before you bring up the topic.

So, basically, it’s the whole bad girl/good girl dilemma. You’re expected to be experienced, but not TOO experienced. Confess to 5, not 50. Know some sexy bedroom moves, but don’t show them all to him too fast. Like most things in a girl’s life these days, it’s a balancing act.

So, who’s right? The bartenders that penned You Didn’t Hear It From Us? Or DePandi in Think Like A Guy?